I have been refereeing volleyball since my oldest child was a baby. He turned one during my rookie year. He will be turning 21 in a couple weeks, so quick math will tell you that I've been at this a while. This doesn't automatically mean that I'm the best official out there, believe me, I've seen folks who have been doing this longer than me and are not firing on all pistons. I am not cocky, by any stretch of the imagination, but I have a pretty decent resume when it comes to this goofy vocation of mine. At the very least, I read the rule book and pass a test every year in order to be in the association and get assignments. I know the rules quite well. At any rate, I had this thought the other night (during a match, actually) that I wish I could say aloud the things in my head during matches. It would be very unprofessional, but I think it would make me feel better. I can blog some of them so here goes:
The following are things that I have thought silently during matches over the last 20 years:
- Coach: What was in the net? Me: Her giant bosom was in the net coach, can you not see that she looks like Dolly Pardon? Really?
- Coach: Are you sure she was in the net? Me: Um, yeah and even if I weren't I'm pretty sure there is some DNA proof still in the net, but thanks for asking.
- Coach: How was that a lift? Me: Well, short of her hand actually being an elevator in Great Britain? It was a lift in every other way imaginable.
- Coach: Call it both ways! Me: Gee coach, I'd love to but seeing as how the other team is way more skilled than your team, I can only just call the crappy stuff I see, sorry.
- Coach: You calling their setter more than my setter is giving their team an unfair advantage! Me: Actually, their setter being way better than your setter is giving their team an unfair advantage. It's called winning.
- Coach, yelling to her team: Don't worry about the calls, they are just homering us because we're from Redmond! Me: Coach, you're not getting homered you're getting beat, now sit down and shut up! Oops, that one actually snuck out of my head and right out of my mouth, my bad! She did sit down and the Athletic Director from the home school laughed his head off!
- Coach: How is that a back row attack? Me: After I explained the rule verbally to the mental midget... You wouldn't have to worry about your tall gangly horrible setter back row attacking if your horrible defensive passers could dig a ball without overpassing to the net every freaking time! Try coaching them a little more and nagging me a little less.
- Coach: Stands up and gives me the smirk. Me: Oh Hell to the no! (I gave him a card) He ranted some more, I gave him my best Cesar Millan hand gesture to sit and then in my head... Would you like a critique? How about you teach your girls to pass, set, serve, transition, cover, not dump all the time and just basic volleyball skills. I think you'd be a much happier "little, little man" if your team weren't so crappy!
These are just a few of the pearls of wisdom that float around my head. I'd love to vomit them all out to you, but some are, let's face it, not for blogger ears. I am still sorta sane and still love officiating. I have more good matches where I leave quite happy with no inside thoughts I wanted to share. The nights where my "inside voice" comes out are few and far between, but make for good stories.
Dudster has left the gymnasium!
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